For years, I lived in the shadow of my own insecurities, caught in a cycle of longing, rejection, and emotional instability. Relationships—those sacred spaces where we’re meant to experience connection, growth, and love—felt more like battlegrounds. My heart would swing wildly between hope and despair, clinging to every sign of approval and unraveling at every moment of distance.
At the root of it all was my attachment style. I was painfully anxious in my relationships, desperate to feel seen, heard, and validated. My partners, often avoidant by nature, would withdraw when I pushed too hard, perpetuating a dynamic that left us both unfulfilled.
This is not a story of blame or shame. It’s a story of awakening. Of realizing that the patterns I was caught in weren’t about my partners or my circumstances—they were about me. And it’s a story of how, through reconnecting with my core energy, I stepped into a new way of being, one where love and connection no longer felt like a struggle but a natural extension of who I am.
The Breaking Point
My journey to healing didn’t start with some divine revelation. It began with pain—the kind that forces you to take a hard look at yourself.
I was in a relationship with someone I deeply cared about, but no matter how much I gave, it felt like I was always reaching for something just out of grasp. They were distant, emotionally unavailable, and unwilling to commit fully. Meanwhile, I was constantly chasing, trying to prove my worth, and convincing myself that if I just did more or gave more, they would choose me the way I had chosen them.
One night, after a particularly heated argument, I sat alone in my apartment, staring at the walls. My mind raced with thoughts of everything I could have said differently, everything I could have done to make them stay. And then it hit me—a moment of clarity so sharp it felt like a punch to the gut:
This isn’t love. This is survival.
I realized that I wasn’t fighting for a relationship; I was fighting for my sense of self-worth. I had placed my value in someone else’s hands, and every time they pulled away, it felt like I was losing a piece of myself. I was caught in a pattern that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with wounds I had carried for years.
The Root of Insecure Attachment
When I began to explore why I felt this way, I discovered that insecure attachment often stems from early experiences. It’s not just about relationships—it’s about the messages we received growing up.
For me, those messages were clear: love was conditional. I had to perform, to please, to prove myself worthy of attention and affection. If I fell short, the love I craved would be withheld.
This created a deep fear of abandonment that carried into my adult relationships. I would cling to anyone who showed me the slightest bit of care, terrified that if I let go or relaxed, they would leave. And in doing so, I pushed people away, reinforcing the very fear I was trying to avoid.
The Turning Point
Healing didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a single moment but a series of small shifts—each one bringing me closer to myself.
The first shift came when I stopped asking, Why won’t they love me the way I need? and started asking, Why do I believe I need them to feel whole?
That question changed everything. It forced me to turn inward and face the parts of myself I had been avoiding—the parts that felt unworthy, unlovable, and incomplete. I realized that the love I was seeking externally was the love I needed to give myself.
Reclaiming My Masculine Energy
One of the most transformative steps in my journey was reconnecting with my masculine energy—not in a performative way, but in a way that felt authentic and grounding. Masculine energy, for me, represents structure, stability, and the ability to take decisive action. It’s the part of me that says, I am enough as I am. I don’t need to chase or prove my worth. I simply show up in my truth.
Here’s how I began to reclaim this energy:
1. Creating Boundaries
For someone with an anxious attachment style, boundaries can feel terrifying. I was so afraid of losing people that I let them take up space in my life even when it hurt me.
But I realized that boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges to healthier connections. I began to set clear limits on what I would and wouldn’t tolerate. This included:
Not overexplaining my feelings or apologizing for needing clarity.
Walking away from conversations or situations where I felt disrespected.
Prioritizing my time and energy instead of giving endlessly.
At first, it felt uncomfortable, even selfish. But over time, I saw how these boundaries gave me a sense of control and self-respect that I had never experienced before.
2. Taking Ownership of My Needs
I used to believe that my happiness depended on others. If they were attentive, I felt good; if they were distant, I felt abandoned. This made me reactive and powerless.
Reclaiming my masculine energy meant taking responsibility for my own emotional well-being. Instead of waiting for someone else to fill my cup, I asked myself:
What do I need right now?
How can I give that to myself?
Sometimes, it meant going for a run to clear my head. Other times, it meant journaling or meditating. But every time, it reminded me that I was capable of meeting my own needs.
3. Grounding Through Discipline
Masculine energy thrives on structure, and incorporating discipline into my life helped me feel grounded and secure. I started small:
Setting a consistent morning routine.
Committing to physical activities like weightlifting, which not only strengthened my body but also my sense of inner resilience.
Keeping promises to myself, no matter how small.
These practices built a foundation of trust within myself, reminding me that I could rely on me—even when others couldn’t.
Embracing Emotional Depth
While reclaiming my masculine energy gave me strength and clarity, I also had to confront the deeper wounds that had fueled my insecurity. This wasn’t about rejecting my emotions but learning to hold them without letting them consume me.
1. Facing My Fears
One of the hardest parts of healing was facing the fear that had driven so much of my behavior: What if I’m not enough? What if they leave?
Instead of running from these fears, I sat with them. I let myself feel the pain, the sadness, and the longing without trying to fix or escape it. And in doing so, I realized that these feelings didn’t define me—they were simply echoes of old wounds that needed attention.
2. Rewriting the Narrative
I began to challenge the stories I had been telling myself for years:
I am too much.
If I don’t give enough, they won’t stay.
I have to earn love.
Every time these thoughts arose, I replaced them with truths:
I am worthy as I am.
Love is a choice, not a transaction.
I don’t need to chase what’s meant for me.
This wasn’t about toxic positivity or denying my pain. It was about choosing a narrative that empowered me instead of keeping me stuck.
The Spiritual Shift
At the heart of my journey was a spiritual awakening—a realization that my worth wasn’t tied to my achievements, my relationships, or my ability to please others.
I began to see myself as a soul on a journey, here to grow, learn, and connect—not to prove or earn love. This perspective shifted my entire approach to relationships. Instead of seeking completion through another person, I started to view relationships as spaces where two whole people come together to share their lives.
This shift wasn’t just about mindset—it was about embodiment. I practiced:
Gratitude: Recognizing the beauty in what I already had instead of focusing on what I lacked.
Presence: Learning to be fully in the moment, whether I was alone or with someone else.
Faith: Trusting that what was meant for me would come in its own time, without force or manipulation.
The Result: A New Way of Being
As I moved away from insecure attachment, everything in my life began to change. My relationships became healthier, not because others changed, but because I did. I stopped tolerating breadcrumbs and started showing up as someone who valued themselves.
One relationship, in particular, stands out. For the first time, I was with someone who met me with the same clarity and intention I brought to the table. We communicated openly, respected each other’s boundaries, and allowed space for individuality within the partnership.
It wasn’t perfect—no relationship is—but it was grounded in mutual respect and shared growth. And for the first time, I felt at peace, not because of the relationship, but because of who I had become.
What I’ve Learned
Moving away from insecure attachment isn’t about becoming perfect or never feeling fear again. It’s about learning to hold yourself with compassion and strength, even when things feel uncertain.
For me, it was about reconnecting with my masculine energy to create structure and stability, while embracing emotional depth to heal old wounds. It was about taking ownership of my life and trusting that I am enough as I am.
If you’re on this journey, know this: healing is possible. It takes courage, patience, and a willingness to face yourself—but it’s worth it. Because at the end of the day, the love you’ve been searching for has been within you all along.
Wow!
👏